“Aren’t I Enough?”

The number of semesters in my final year of undergrad are quickly dwindling down. And thinking back to last year, I can recall a time where I started to see tons of  videos of men proposing to their girlfriends on the day of their college graduations. Beautiful, tear-jerking videos. And I thought, “I want that! I wanna be proposed to after my graduation ceremony!” And then, of course, my next thought was…lol I’m single as a dollar bill so HOW? How can I meet the man I’m supposed to marry, get to know him, and then get engaged within the next year? HOW?

how

I didn’t know the answer to that question, obviously. And that made me a little antsy. I mean, it wasn’t as if I felt that I needed to be engaged by the time I graduate college, I just became so obsessed with the idea of the man of my dreams getting down on one knee and pledging his desire to spend the rest of his life with me on the day of my graduation–the day a big part of my life ends, and yet another one would be beginning. And so for a while, my desire to be in a relationship was amped up to about 1000. I’m eyeballing the guys in my church, guys in the grocery store, etc. and thinking “Lord, is that him? *insert peep eye emoji*” I mean, just uncontrollably hungry to meet this man, whoever he is. And then one day, God spoke to me and said…

“Aren’t I enough?”

It was a moment of pure conviction. I had to check myself, check my heart, and check my desires. And after a beat, I told him, “Yes.”

But at first, I didn’t mean it. I didn’t feel like I meant it. I still wanted that companionship, still wanted to meet a man who would love me. And the Lord just kept asking,

Aren’t I enough?

Aren’t I enough?

Aren’t I enough? 

At first, I couldn’t say yes and mean it. I just kept saying it until I became almost angry that He would even ask me that. Why do I have to be content with just you? Why can’t I want Him and him?  And the answer was that I could want both. But the issue was that I had allowed my desire for a relationship to become an idol. Which meant that my desire for a relationship was now functioning the way my desire for more of  God should have been functioning. And that’s where it gets dangerous. You see, when you become desperate for companionship, you act out of desperation. That desperation drives you to extreme measures. You’ll find yourself looking for that companionship in places and with people who you normally wouldn’t make yourself available to. The same way a craving for ice cream in the middle of the night may send you running to the store in pitch black darkness, risking your safety for just a taste–desperation for companionship can also send you into dark, dangerous environments, in search of something that will only give you temporary satisfaction, and not only will it only harm you at the end of the day, but it will also never fulfill you.

That is why it’s necessary for you to be content with Jesus and whatever season He may have you in. If you get too thirsty and try to take matters into your own hands, you will indeed find water. But the water you find will never quench your thirst the way God can. You will thirst again and again and again and again, and you will search forever for more but none of it will ever be enough. If that doesn’t sound painful yet, think of it this way…

Imagine yourself.. being so thirsty for love from a man that you seek it from Nick, and then Chris, and then David, and then Ryan, and then Brandon, and then Richard…but nothing they give you can rid you of the emptiness that you feel. In fact, instead of them filling you, they each take more and more away from your soul, they burn you, they wound you, with no remorse because…you asked for it. They take and take and take and take until it seems like you have nothing left. Feel that yet?

Yes, we are allowed to want a companion, to want love, marriage, etc.. But understand that there’s a place in your heart that only God can fill, and all attempts to fill it with anything and anyone else will fail. We have to want Him first, and more than we want anything or anyone else. He has to be enough. And He will be, if you let Him.

But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life.” John 4:14

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” Matthew 6:33